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10% of American Voters1

People Born With No Sense Of Humor suffer from a lamentable affliction, unable to comprehend irony, parody, satire or a good dirty joke about those famous bar-hopping Priests and Rabbis. The Pharmaceutical Industry has invested millions over the years to find a pill to alleviate the pain of these sad people, to no avail.2

So, People Born With No Sense Of Humor are forced to spend their free time pouring over media of all types, searching for anything they can label offensive, blasphemous, insensitive, insulting, inconsiderate, distasteful, repugnant, revolting, callous or cruel.

Then, this Demo invests copious amounts of time trying to convince Normal Americans to feel similarly offended, by writing letters to their editor of their local newspaper,3 mounting boycotts and organizing signature campaigns to deport the offending party.

However, despite their miserable malady, People Born With No Sense Of Humor have made important contributions to the American Political Process. Now, Presidential Candidates exclusively repeat focus-grouped sound-bytes, devoid of any real humor or honesty, so as not to offend People Born With No Sense Of Humor.

As a result, American Voters never get real policy questions answered, and have no idea what a Presidential Candidate will do once he is in office and faced with real world issues.4  

People Born With No Sense Of Humor will no doubt be joyless contributors in determining who will win the White House in 2008.

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1 Who spend their days leaving comments on blogs

2 Restless Leg Syndrome, however, is now treatable, thank God.  Ask your doctor!

3 See Also:  Sunday Morning Quarterbacks

See Also: The past eight years

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94% of American Voters1

Celebutante Bloggers carry out an important function in Presidential Politics, despite the fact that the only Political figures this Demo has ever covered are the Bush Twins.2

Celebutante Bloggers aren’t necessarily Swing Voters themselves, however Celebutante Bloggers play an important role by distracting other American Voters.

You see, despite the fact that American Voters are facing a smorgasbord of legitimate issues this Election Cycle, from the evaporation of their 401Ks to the prospect of losing their Sub-Prime McMansions to a maxed-out 29% APR credit card, Celebutante Bloggers remind American Voters that at least they are doing better than Britney!  

And although most American Voters couldn’t tell you which Presidential Candidate has the best plan for health care, domestic job creation, or limiting the spread of global warming, thanks to Celebutante Bloggers, all American Voters are aware of Jaime Lynn’s baby’s healthcare, Jessica’s domestic blowjob creation, or the spread of that warming sensation in Paris’ nether regions.

Presidential Campaigns have long been tasked with distracting American Voters from the real issues that affect their lives.  

However, the series of tubes that makes up the internets now makes it possible for Presidential Campaigns to outsource most of this work to Celebutante Bloggers!

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1 Don’t know what Schadenfreude means.

2 And other bush sightings…

 

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1% of American Voters

Cable News Junkies are a suggestible Swing Voter Demographic in 2008.  This Demo is easily swayed because Cable News Junkies like to be told what they should think about Presidential Politics. 

Presidential Campaigns know they have a captive audience in this Demo, which is why both Major Candidates deploy Campaign Surrogates out to Cable News Channels to spread their wealth of biased information through these platforms.  

You see, Presidential Campaigns don’t have to worry about being factually accurate when they pander to Cable News Junkies, because this Demo never does their homework to determine if what they are being spoon-fed is actually true.

 

Often, Cable News Junkies are compulsive Master Debaters, because they have the ability to regurgitate the Talking Points that are repeated ad nauseam on the Cable News Channels. 

However, Cable News Junkies rarely take the time to actually visit the Presidential Campaigns’ sites to investigate their platforms.  As a result, many Cable News Junkies end up Swing Voting against their own interests!  

Why do research when you can have Ostensibly Impartial, Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities tell you what to think?

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<1% of American Veterans1

Grizzled Veterans of Cold War-Era Conflicts have been thrust into the National Spotlight over the last two Election Cycles.  Grizzled Veterans of Cold War-Era Conflicts have been deployed to persuade other important Swing Voter Demographics.

Why?  First, these Swing Voters make fantastic Surrogates for Presidential Candidates. Due to their admirable service to our Country, no one can question the absurd statements that come out of their mouths.2

Second, if anyone dares to question the validity of their statements, Grizzled Veterans of Cold War-Era Conflicts can claim that the Questioner isn’t “supporting the troops,” making this Demo impervious to criticism.3 

All Americans live in constant terror of being perceived as not “supporting the troops,”4 because we are aware that Grizzled Veterans of Cold War-Era Conflicts could snap at any moment.

You might wonder why Grizzled Veterans of Cold War Era Conflicts are so interested in perpetuating international armed conflicts, when they have clearly been so adversely affected personally. 

Perhaps it’s because upon closer inspection, we discover that their own military records are not so impressive.  For example, some Grizzled Veterans of Cold War Era Conflicts’ only relevant experience on their military resume is being shot down behind enemy lines and falling into enemy hands.5

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1 Believe they have the right to speak for all American Veterans.

2 Pay attention to me, I was part of the first war America ever lost, so I have the right to tell you about the next war we are going to lose. 

3 By the way, the only way you can “support the troops” is to make them keep fighting indefinitely..

4 See Also:  Ostensibly Impartial, Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities

5 Congratulations, you’re incompetent!
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Q% of American Voters

Peepul Hoo Dont Rede Gud r an mpoortint demmograffik in evry lecshon sicl. 

Disis becuz Polatishons ken sey 1 theng an du nuther, and Peepul Hoo Dont Rede Gud well nevver be the whizzer.

Peepul Hoo Dont Rede Gud lik 2 c Polatishons duing acksessibul thengs lik…

 

 

             …chopin wud…

 

 

 

 

 

…gittin drunk...

…an going Pirattin…

…Wat is wind-serfin?  I dunno, but it sounds pouerful gai…

 

The Coalition

Stupid Children

Shop Teachers

Animal-Human Hybrids

History

There was a time in our history when the majority of Americans were Peepul Hoo Dont Rede Gud.  That was, of course, 1999.

Since that date, however, we are proud to report that not one student in the United States was left behind.

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55% of American Voters1

Women with Osteoporosis had a difficult Primary Season in 2008. First, the Presidential Candidate they were supporting2 was defeated in a bitter Democratic Primary. Then, there was that slip and fall at in the mall walking out of Dress Barn. After months of crutches and physical therapy, Women with Osteoporosis are ready to be pandered to by Presidential Candidates.

Given their anger over the results of the Primary Season, Women with Osteoporosis are being wooed aggressively by both Presidential Candidates. Some Women with Osteoporosis have publicly threatened to support the Republican Candidate, despite the fact that he does not believe that Women with Osteoporosis3 have the right to make decisions about their own bodies, even in cases that threaten the woman’s health.4  

If this Swing Voter Demo decides to swing to the Republican Candidate, the next time Women with Osteoporosis snap a femur, they may have to cross State Lines in order to receive treatment.5  After all, shouldn’t it be left up to the Government to decide if Women with Osteoporosis have to keep their broken bones?

How to Pander Effectively to Women with Osteoporosis

These Calcium-Deficient Cougars appreciate personal attention from Presidential Candidates, but be sure not to shake their hands too aggressively – otherwise you might end up hearing from an Ambulance Chaser.

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1 Over age 50, with female genitalia

2 …with the aid of an artificial hip 

3 This also applies to Women with Ovaries

3 Insert Air Quotes Here.

5 Alternatively, this Demo may resort to dangerous Back Alley castings…

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0.0033333% of American Voters

Now that there are more than 1 million members of the Terrorist Watch List in the United States, People on the Terrorist Watch List have become a grown into an important Swing Voter Demographic in 2008. Despite constant harassment from Racists, Ostensibly Impartial Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities and Law Enforcement, many People on the Terrorist Watch List will be voting in the 2008 Presidential Election.

Political Campaigns find this Demographic difficult to pander to, because People on the Terrorist Watch List are incredibly diverse, including Americans from all socio-economic backgrounds, political leanings, professional affiliations and hobbies. For example, the Terrorist Watch List includes People with Ethnic-Sounding Names, Sitting Senators, Nuns, Winners of the Nobel Peace Prize, and even a few Actual Terrorists.

Will People on the Terrorist Watch List assert their considerable Political Power in American Politics and blow up the 2008 Presidential Election?

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