33% of American Voters1
Ambulance Chasers are a critical component of every Political Campaign. Presidential Candidates love these Swing Voters for many reasons, but chief among them is that Ambulance Chasers often drop large wads of cash as they sprint after Emergency Vehicles.2
It is well known that Political Parties maintain secret underground bunkers filled with thousands upon thousands of Ambulance Chasers, performing a critical task known as “Opposition Research.” Day and night, Ambulance Chasers pour over everything the Opposing Candidate has ever said, done, implied, forgotten, lied about, voted on, joked about, ingested orally or fucked. Oh, and the same thing goes for Everyone a Presidential Candidate has ever lived in the same neighborhood with, done favors for, worked with, advised, befriended, shaken hands with or taken communion from.
If Ambulance Chasers can make the case that there is any inconsistency or appearance of impropriety they spring into action, firing off emails filled with new Talking Points to Ostensibly Impartial Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities.3
Ambulance Chasers provide an invaluable service because they force Presidential Candidates to repeat the same empty, focus-grouped Talking Points instead of saying anything original or honest.
In 2008, Ambulance Chasers will play an indispensable role in determining our next President, not so much with their votes, but their ability to pass judgment on other people.
But one important caution to Presidential Candidates who seek the support of this Demographic…if things go sour with Ambulance Chasers, you’ll be looking at several years of “slip and fall” litigation.
1 Will be represented by and/or sued by this Demographic in 2008…and Ambulance Chasers will take 33% of any judgment
2 Also, many Presidential Candidates are themselves members of this Demographic
3 See also: Ostensibly Impartial Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities (future entry)