Over .08% of American Voters
Problem Drinkers are a key Swing Voter Demographic in 2008. Problem Drinkers are so pivotal, in fact, that one Vice Presidential Candidate made a direct appeal to Problem Drinkers during her Debate Performance. Then the Candidate gave Problem Drinkers a good excuse to finish that Six Pack by repeating the word “Maverick” over and over again.
But will Drinking Game Politics sway Problem Drinkers this year?
It’s difficult to determine the exact size of this Demo, because Problem Drinkers usually hide their Political Leanings from family members and co-workers. Besides, most Problem Drinkers don’t have a problem, okay? 2
The United States has a proud tradition of Problem Drinker Presidents throughout our history. It is well known that John Adams started his Problem Drinking as a teenager, as was the custom of the day. Adams consumed “beer and bread” every morning during his years at Harvard.
After losing out on the Democratic Nomination for a Second term, Franklin Pierce famously said, “There’s nothing left… but to get drunk.”
And of course, George W. Bush’s struggles with Problem Drinking have been well chronicled:
Will America wake up with a hangover on November 5th because Problem Drinkers didn’t come through?
1 See Also: Peepul Hoo Dont Rede Gud (future entry)
2 All Problem Drinkers do is have a few beers just to relax at the end of a hard day of drinking.
THE TWELVE STEPS OF INFREQUENT VOTERS
1. Admit we have been powerless over our Political Leaders for the past eight years.
2. Came to believe that a Presidential Candidate could restore this country to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our votes and our lives over to the care of a Presidential Candidate.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of those Candidates.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our past wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to remove all these defects of character
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings by actually showing up this time.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed by not voting, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Presidential Candidates, however we understand Him or Her, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we will carry this message to other Infrequent Voters, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.