25% of American Voters
People with STDs are a frighteningly large demographic in American Politics. Current data suggests that as many as 1 in 4 Americans fall into this category. Despite the size of this demo, People with STDs have never fully harnessed their political power because they spend so much of their time applying creams and salves.
No Presidential Candidate has ever won the White House without the support of People with STDs. In the 1960 campaign, Richard Nixon had sex with three Baltimore prostitutes in an effort to contract an STD. He was doing this to sway STD support away from John F. Kennedy, who had a built-in advantage since he had documentable evidence of having contracted every medically known STD at the time.1
While Nixon was successful in contracting Syphilis, he failed, however, to secure this demographic, and the White House.
So this year, both parties are aggressively targeting this growing demographic.
How to Pander Effectively to People with STDs:
Two Words: Open Bar. We recommend doing appearances at local watering holes. Dive Bars with poor lighting are preferable. Consider buying these voters shots.2
– Universal Healthcare – Lower salve and cream prices across the board!
– Sex Education – Abstinence-only education not helping much now
– Global Warming – acutely aware of that burning sensation…
– Illegal Immigrants – …ever since that long weekend in Tijuana
1 Crohn’s disease, my ass.
2 Never share a drink with this Demographic.