Congratulations, American Voters!
You are the most important Swing Voter in the 2008 Presidential Election.2
You might be registered as a Latte-Drinking, Biscotti-Munching, Wind-Surfing, Baby-Killing, NPR-Pledge-Driving, Commi-Appeasing, Ivy-League-Educated Liberal, or perhaps You are a registered Gun-Toting, Bible-Thumping, Squirrel-BBQ-ing, Tax-Evading, Snowmobiling, CEO-Golden-Parachuting, Nazi-Appeasing, Community-College-Educated Conservative.
But regardless, You certainly never blindly vote the Party Line. You evaluate each Presidential Candidate carefully, weighing important qualifications like who You’d rather get drunk with.
You really don’t like all the Partisan bickering that dominates Political Discourse in this Country, so You’ve pretty much tuned out Presidential Politics entirely.
You didn’t vote in 2000, because You thought Gore and Bush were just two versions of the same old bullshit. True, You felt kinda bad watching as Elderly Floridians With Impaired Vision and the Supreme Court made Your decision for You, but it didn’t bother You too much.
Then in 2004, You were totally going to vote, but You fell asleep watching John Kerry Flip-Flop his way out of the Presidency. And anyway, You were somewhat concerned that if Bush didn’t win again, People On The Terrorist Watch List were going to come to Your Homeland and turn You gay.
This Election Cycle, You have definitely decided that You will probably vote.
You are no longer arguing that Your vote doesn’t make a difference. After all, in the last eight years, You have personally experienced what happens when American Voters let Hockey Moms, Wall Street Pinkos, Eccentric Billionaires make Your decision about our next President for You.
But there is a distinct possibility that despite all this, You still might not show up and have Your vote counted on Tuesday, November 4th.
Or, You might actually trust the Polls that are spouted by Ostensibly Impartial, Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities asserting that Your Presidential Pick is sitting on an insurmountable lead, or conversely, that He has already lost the race.
If You want to make a difference this time around, You’ve got to be committed.
Second, Be Prepared to wait a while. Record turnout is projected across the country. There is a good chance that You are going to be in line for most of the day. We recommend bringing along an Entertaining Friend, a Book, or maybe an Appropriate Escort.3
But most importantly, no matter which Presidential Candidate you support: be ready to insist on Your Rights as an American Voter because,
Ultimately, You will decide the next President of the United States of America.
1 Don’t Participate in Presidential Elections
2 Okay, sure… “You” is a little on the cheesy side, but are You fucking kidding me? You are reading THIS blog and You aren’t going to Vote?
3 You will be very popular in line.
We’ve heard a lot of talk about Mavericks this Election Cycle. There’s a simple reason: Mavericks are a very important, but extremely challenging group of Swing Voters to secure. To understand the difficulty in pandering to Mavericks, you have to understand the nature and history of the Maverick Demographic.
The etymology of “Maverick” dates back to the Old West, where Cowboys coined the term to describe unbranded calves found wandering on the range.1
However, in true Maverick style, the meaning of the word itself has changed over the years. Now, Presidential Campaigns refer to Maverick Voters as “Late-Deciders” because Mavericks often make decisions by the seat of their mavericky pants, frequently waiting to decide until they are literally in the Voting Booth.
90% of the time, Maverick Voters go along with their Party and blindly support them on Election Day. But 10% of the time, Mavericks will buck their Party and vote in an erratic, lurching fashion.2
As a result, Presidential Candidates have a devil of a time knowing how to appeal to Maverick Voters. At this point, they are willing to try almost anything…
There is simply no way to predict what Mavericks will do on November 4th. And it is very possible that Maverick Voters will be the deciding factor in determining our next President.
1 Those calves were then branded, forced to join the herd, where they were fattened up and slaughtered.
2 See Also: Flip-Floppers
Obese People are a bloated group of Swing Voters in the United States. Obese People can not be counted on to consistently vote for the same Political Party in Presidential Elections, much the same way this Demo can not be counted on to consistently fit inside a voting booth.
Therefore, Presidential Candidates have to pander to Obese People in every Election Cycle.
In 2008, Obese People want to see their Presidential Candidates support legislation to limit the production of Ethanol. Ethanol 85 is a bio-fuel that is primarily made from corn. Obese People have joined a coalition that includes Livestock Farmers, Oil Industry Tycoons and People Who Enjoy Eating Affordable Food to denounce Ethanol Initiatives.
Obese People don’t object to the massive pollution that is involved in the production and consumption of Ethanol, nor do they mind the fact that Ethanol has not lowered the price of gas in this country.
Obese People object to Ethanol because higher demand for corn has raised the price of all of the Corn-Syrup based foods that made this Demo into the Obese People they are today.
From William Howard Taft to William Jefferson Clinton, America has a great tradition of obese presidents.
In fact, before President Taft became known for his “trust-busting,” he was primarily known for his pant-seam busting.
Obese People is a coalition made of up several slightly smaller Voting blocks:
Formerly Obese People
1Unfortunately, this percentage is accurate
People Who Believe It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins the Presidency are a cynical bunch. This Demographic never votes, preferring instead to sit at home in November and argue that every President is corrupt, and their policies will have zero impact on their lives personally.1
People Who Believe It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins make up a big percentage of the approximately 45% of Eligible Americans Voters who didn’t participate in 2004.
Within this Demo are People Who Assert That They Will Vote For The Candidate Who Leaves Them Alone The Most. These People become very upset when their busy, important lives are interrupted by a phone call (the horror!) or are approached on the street by a Volunteer for the Campaign asking them if they have decided who they will be supporting in the Election (how rude!).
There is a valid reason for this: People Who Assert That They Will Vote For The Candidate Who Leaves Them Alone The Most are so important that they can not be bothered to engage their fellow citizens in conversation about the Political Process.
However, after the last eight years, People Who Think It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins have had to learn a hard lesson in civics.
And this time, People Who Believe It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins are even considering exercising their right to participate in our Democracy!2
1 Because after all, YOU are all that matters.
2 The others are considering moving to a place where no one has the right to vote, like North Korea or Prison.
Although pornographic films exist on the periphery of American Culture,1 the Adult Film Business earns as much money per year as the “legitimate” Film Biz. American Voters love their Porn, and their Porn Stars.
Thanks to the support of American Voters, there are a lot of very wealthy (and sticky) Porn Stars walking around bow-legged in the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles County.
And in American Politics, wealth equals access. Presidential Campaigns are aiming for these Swing Voters in 2008, because Porn Stars are an influential Demographic.
Porn Stars haven’t always had the political clout they now brandish about like so many 18 inch black dildos. It wasn’t until the early 1970’s that Porn Stars and Politicians were forever linked.
If that isn’t a 70’s Porn Stache, I don’t know what is…
You see, although the era of free love and peace of the Sixties ended on December 31, 1969; the early 70’s were still pretty much a sexual free-for-all in this country. The sloppy seconds, if you will. We had penicillin, and the CIA hadn’t yet created AIDS to kill black people in the inner cities.2
It was a Polyester Paradise…
But back then, if one wanted to enjoy an Adult Film in the United States, you had to travel to a theater on the wrong side of the tracks and watch it from the moist seats with lots of other Sad, Lonely Men.
As the story goes,3 Bob Woodward and Dustin Hoffman had hit a wall in their investigation of the Democratic National Committee Offices break-in at the Watergate hotel. Although he disputes it today, experts speculate that it was Hoffman who suggested relieving the stress of the investigation by taking in a “skin flick.”
Popular history has cleaned the story up a bit with tales of secret meetings with mystery sources deep within the subterranean depths of DC parking lots, but in reality, it was the 2:30A screening of “Deep Throat” that effectively swallowed Nixon’s presidency. Woodward and Hoffman ran into FBI Deputy Director Mark Felt with his trench coat dangerously tented, and the rest is history.
Will Porn Stars make one of the Major Candidates the “Big Tent” Candidate this year?
1 And your Spam Box
2 Special thanks to Research Intern Pastor Jeremiah Wright
3 NB: this entire period is a little sketchy for the author, due to excessive Quaalude and Bee-Gees abuse in the ’70’s