#4 – People Who Believe It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins

83% of American Non-Voters

People Who Believe It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins the Presidency are a cynical bunch. This Demographic never votes, preferring instead to sit at home in November and argue that every President is corrupt, and their policies will have zero impact on their lives personally.¹

People Who Believe It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins make up a big percentage of the approximately 45% of Eligible Americans Voters who didn’t participate in 2004.

 

Within this Demo are People Who Assert That They Will Vote For The Candidate Who Leaves Them Alone The Most.  These People become very upset when their busy, important lives are interrupted by a phone call (the horror!) or are approached on the street by a Volunteer for the Campaign asking them if they have decided who they will be supporting in the Election (how rude!). 

There is a valid reason for this:  People Who Assert That They Will Vote For The Candidate Who Leaves Them Alone The Most are so important that they can not be bothered to engage their fellow citizens in conversation about the Political Process.  

However, after the last eight years, People Who Think It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins have had to learn a hard lesson in civics.

And this time, People Who Believe It Doesn’t Matter Who Wins are even considering exercising their right to participate in our Democracy!²

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¹ Because after all, YOU are all that matters.

² The others are considering moving to a place where no one has the right to vote, like North Korea or Prison.

Stumble It!

#5 – Porn Stars – Porn In The USA

12 Inches of American Voters

Although pornographic films exist on the periphery of American Culture,¹ the Adult Film Business earns as much money per year as the “legitimate” Film Biz.  American Voters love their Porn, and their Porn Stars. 

Thanks to the support of American Voters, there are a lot of very wealthy (and sticky) Porn Stars walking around bow-legged in the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles County.

And in American Politics, wealth equals access.  Presidential Campaigns are aiming for these Swing Voters in 2008, because Porn Stars are an influential Demographic.

History

Porn Stars haven’t always had the political clout they now brandish about like so many 18 inch black dildos.  It wasn’t until the early 1970’s that Porn Stars and Politicians were forever linked.

If that isn’t a 70’s Porn Stache, I don’t know what is…

You see, although the era of free love and peace of the Sixties ended on December 31, 1969; the early 70’s were still pretty much a sexual free-for-all in this country.  The sloppy seconds, if you will.  We had penicillin, and the CIA hadn’t yet created AIDS to kill black people in the inner cities.²  

It was a Polyester Paradise…

But back then, if one wanted to enjoy an Adult Film in the United States, you had to travel to a theater on the wrong side of the tracks and watch it from the moist seats with lots of other Sad, Lonely Men. 

As the story goes,³ Bob Woodward and Dustin Hoffman had hit a wall in their investigation of the Democratic National Committee Offices break-in at the Watergate hotel.  Although he disputes it today, experts speculate that it was Hoffman who suggested relieving the stress of the investigation by taking in a “skin flick.” 

Popular history has cleaned the story up a bit with tales of secret meetings with mystery sources deep within the subterranean depths of DC parking lots, but in reality, it was the 2:30A screening of “Deep Throat” that effectively swallowed Nixon’s presidency.  Woodward and Hoffman ran into FBI Deputy Director Mark Felt with his trench coat dangerously tented, and the rest is history.

 

Will Porn Stars make one of the Major Candidates the “Big Tent” Candidate this year?

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¹ And your Spam Box

² Special thanks to Research Intern Pastor Jeremiah Wright

³ NB:  this entire period is a little sketchy for the author, due to excessive Quaalude and Bee-Gees abuse in the ’70’s

Stumble It!

#6 – People Born With No Sense Of Humor – Politically Incorrect

10% of American Voters¹

People Born With No Sense Of Humor suffer from a lamentable affliction, unable to comprehend irony, parody, satire or a good dirty joke about those famous bar-hopping Priests and Rabbis. The Pharmaceutical Industry has invested millions over the years to find a pill to alleviate the pain of these sad people, to no avail.²

So, People Born With No Sense Of Humor are forced to spend their free time pouring over media of all types, searching for anything they can label offensive, blasphemous, insensitive, insulting, inconsiderate, distasteful, repugnant, revolting, callous or cruel.

Then, this Demo invests copious amounts of time trying to convince Normal Americans to feel similarly offended, by writing letters to their editor of their local newspaper,³ mounting boycotts and organizing signature campaigns to deport the offending party.

However, despite their miserable malady, People Born With No Sense Of Humor have made important contributions to the American Political Process. Now, Presidential Candidates exclusively repeat focus-grouped sound-bytes, devoid of any real humor or honesty, so as not to offend People Born With No Sense Of Humor.

As a result, American Voters never get real policy questions answered, and have no idea what a Presidential Candidate will do once he is in office and faced with real world issues.⁴  

People Born With No Sense Of Humor will no doubt be joyless contributors in determining who will win the White House in 2008.

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¹ Who spend their days leaving comments on blogs

² Restless Leg Syndrome, however, is now treatable, thank God.  Ask your doctor!

³ See Also:  Sunday Morning Quarterbacks

⁴ See Also: The past eight years

Stumble It!

#7 – Celebutante Bloggers – NSF Democracy

94% of American Voters¹

Celebutante Bloggers carry out an important function in Presidential Politics, despite the fact that the only Political figures this Demo has ever covered are the Bush Twins.²

Celebutante Bloggers aren’t necessarily Swing Voters themselves, however Celebutante Bloggers play an important role by distracting other American Voters.

You see, despite the fact that American Voters are facing a smorgasbord of legitimate issues this Election Cycle, from the evaporation of their 401Ks to the prospect of losing their Sub-Prime McMansions to a maxed-out 29% APR credit card, Celebutante Bloggers remind American Voters that at least they are doing better than Britney!  

And although most American Voters couldn’t tell you which Presidential Candidate has the best plan for health care, domestic job creation, or limiting the spread of global warming, thanks to Celebutante Bloggers, all American Voters are aware of Jaime Lynn’s baby’s healthcare, Jessica’s domestic blowjob creation, or the spread of that warming sensation in Paris’ nether regions.

Presidential Campaigns have long been tasked with distracting American Voters from the real issues that affect their lives.  

However, the series of tubes that makes up the internets now makes it possible for Presidential Campaigns to outsource most of this work to Celebutante Bloggers!

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¹ Don’t know what Schadenfreude means.

² And other bush sightings…

 

Stumble It!

#8 – Cable News Junkies – Unbalanced

1% of American Voters

Cable News Junkies are a suggestible Swing Voter Demographic in 2008.  This Demo is easily swayed because Cable News Junkies like to be told what they should think about Presidential Politics. 

Presidential Campaigns know they have a captive audience in this Demo, which is why both Major Candidates deploy Campaign Surrogates out to Cable News Channels to spread their wealth of biased information through these platforms.  

You see, Presidential Campaigns don’t have to worry about being factually accurate when they pander to Cable News Junkies, because this Demo never does their homework to determine if what they are being spoon-fed is actually true.

 

Often, Cable News Junkies are compulsive Master Debaters, because they have the ability to regurgitate the Talking Points that are repeated ad nauseam on the Cable News Channels. 

However, Cable News Junkies rarely take the time to actually visit the Presidential Campaigns’ sites to investigate their platforms.  As a result, many Cable News Junkies end up Swing Voting against their own interests!  

Why do research when you can have Ostensibly Impartial, Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities tell you what to think?

Stumble It!