45% of American Voters1
You are the most important Swing Voter in the 2008 Presidential Election.2
You might be registered as a Latte-Drinking, Biscotti-Munching, Wind-Surfing, Baby-Killing, NPR-Pledge-Driving, Commi-Appeasing, Ivy-League-Educated Liberal, or perhaps You are a registered Gun-Toting, Bible-Thumping, Squirrel-BBQ-ing, Tax-Evading, Snowmobiling, CEO-Golden-Parachuting, Nazi-Appeasing, Community-College-Educated Conservative.
But regardless, You certainly never blindly vote the Party Line. You evaluate each Presidential Candidate carefully, weighing important qualifications like who You’d rather get drunk with.
You really don’t like all the Partisan bickering that dominates Political Discourse in this Country, so You’ve pretty much tuned out Presidential Politics entirely.
History
You didn’t vote in 2000, because You thought Gore and Bush were just two versions of the same old bullshit. True, You felt kinda bad watching as Elderly Floridians With Impaired Vision and the Supreme Court made Your decision for You, but it didn’t bother You too much.
Then in 2004, You were totally going to vote, but You fell asleep watching John Kerry Flip-Flop his way out of the Presidency. And anyway, You were somewhat concerned that if Bush didn’t win again, People On The Terrorist Watch List were going to come to Your Homeland and turn You gay.
The 2008 Election Cycle
This Election Cycle, You have definitely decided that You will probably vote.
You are no longer arguing that Your vote doesn’t make a difference. After all, in the last eight years, You have personally experienced what happens when American Voters let Hockey Moms, Wall Street Pinkos, Eccentric Billionaires make Your decision about our next President for You.
You’ve done all your homework on the Candidates. You’ve examined their Plans side by side. You have even determined where to vote.
But there is a distinct possibility that despite all this, You still might not show up and have Your vote counted on Tuesday, November 4th.
Why?
Maybe You have lost your home thanks to Predatory Lenders and have been told You’ve defaulted on Your Right To Vote.
Perhaps You might share a last name with a Pirate or some other Convicted Felon, thus making You ineligible to vote.
Or, You might actually trust the Polls that are spouted by Ostensibly Impartial, Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities asserting that Your Presidential Pick is sitting on an insurmountable lead, or conversely, that He has already lost the race.
Even if You consider the Ostensibly Impartial source of this Polling data, You still may not be able to dedicate the six to eight hours required to cast Your vote.
The Bottom Line
If You want to make a difference this time around, You’ve got to be committed.
First, Find Your Polling Place.
Second, Be Prepared to wait a while. Record turnout is projected across the country. There is a good chance that You are going to be in line for most of the day. We recommend bringing along an Entertaining Friend, a Book, or maybe an Appropriate Escort.3
But most importantly, no matter which Presidential Candidate you support: be ready to insist on Your Rights as an American Voter because,
Ultimately, You will decide the next President of the United States of America.
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1 Don’t Participate in Presidential Elections
2 Okay, sure… “You” is a little on the cheesy side, but are You fucking kidding me? You are reading THIS blog and You aren’t going to Vote?
3 You will be very popular in line.
Stumble It!
