Swing Voters Pick Obama!

Congratulations, American Voters!

 

Swing Voters finally got it right this time.  

Results: Watch How Swing Voters Swing

#1 – You – The Decider

45% of American Voters¹

You are the most important Swing Voter in the 2008 Presidential Election.²

You might be registered as a Latte-Drinking, Biscotti-Munching, Wind-Surfing, Baby-Killing, NPR-Pledge-Driving, Commi-Appeasing, Ivy-League-Educated Liberal, or perhaps You are a registered Gun-Toting, Bible-Thumping, Squirrel-BBQ-ing, Tax-Evading, Snowmobiling, CEO-Golden-Parachuting, Nazi-Appeasing, Community-College-Educated Conservative.  

But regardless, You certainly never blindly vote the Party Line.  You evaluate each Presidential Candidate carefully, weighing important qualifications like who You’d rather get drunk with.

You really don’t like all the Partisan bickering that dominates Political Discourse in this Country, so You’ve pretty much tuned out Presidential Politics entirely. 

 

History

You didn’t vote in 2000, because You thought Gore and Bush were just two versions of the same old bullshit. True, You felt kinda bad watching as Elderly Floridians With Impaired Vision and the Supreme Court made Your decision for You, but it didn’t bother You too much.

Then in 2004, You were totally going to vote, but You fell asleep watching John Kerry Flip-Flop his way out of the Presidency.  And anyway, You were somewhat concerned that if Bush didn’t win again, People On The Terrorist Watch List were going to come to Your Homeland and turn You gay.  

The 2008 Election Cycle

This Election Cycle, You have definitely decided that You will probably vote. 

You are no longer arguing that Your vote doesn’t make a difference.  After all, in the last eight years, You have personally experienced what happens when American Voters let Hockey Moms, Wall Street Pinkos, Eccentric Billionaires make Your decision about our next President for You.

You’ve done all your homework on the Candidates. You’ve examined their Plans side by side.  You have even determined where to vote.

But there is a distinct possibility that despite all this, You still might not show up and have Your vote counted on Tuesday, November 4th.  

Why?

Maybe You have lost your home thanks to Predatory Lenders and have been told You’ve defaulted on Your Right To Vote.

Perhaps You might share a last name with a Pirate or some other Convicted Felon, thus making You ineligible to vote.

Or, You might actually trust the Polls that are spouted by Ostensibly Impartial, Quasi-Journalist TV Personalities asserting that Your Presidential Pick is sitting on an insurmountable lead, or conversely, that He has already lost the race.

Even if You consider the Ostensibly Impartial source of this Polling data, You still may not be able to dedicate the six to eight hours required to cast Your vote.

The Bottom Line

If You want to make a difference this time around, You’ve got to be committed. 

First, Find Your Polling Place.  

Second, Be Prepared to wait a while.  Record turnout is projected across the country.  There is a good chance that You are going to be in line for most of the day. We recommend bringing along an Entertaining Friend, a Book, or maybe an Appropriate Escort.³

But most importantly, no matter which Presidential Candidate you support: be ready to insist on Your Rights as an American Voter because,

Ultimately, You will decide the next President of the United States of America.

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¹ Don’t Participate in Presidential Elections
² Okay, sure… “You” is a little on the cheesy side, but are You fucking kidding me?  You are reading THIS blog and You aren’t going to Vote?
³ You will be very popular in line.

Stumble It!

#2 – Mavericks – Wild Card

90/10% of American Voters

We’ve heard a lot of talk about Mavericks this Election Cycle.  There’s a simple reason: Mavericks are a very important, but extremely challenging group of Swing Voters to secure.  To understand the difficulty in pandering to Mavericks, you have to understand the nature and history of the Maverick Demographic.  

History

The etymology of “Maverick” dates back to the Old West, where Cowboys coined the term to describe unbranded calves found wandering on the range.¹

However, in true Maverick style, the meaning of the word itself has changed over the years. Now, Presidential Campaigns refer to Maverick Voters as “Late-Deciders” because Mavericks often make decisions by the seat of their mavericky pants, frequently waiting to decide until they are literally in the Voting Booth.

90% of the time, Maverick Voters go along with their Party and blindly support them on Election Day. But 10% of the time, Mavericks will buck their Party and vote in an erratic, lurching fashion.² 

As a result, Presidential Candidates have a devil of a time knowing how to appeal to Maverick Voters.  At this point, they are willing to try almost anything…

 

There is simply no way to predict what Mavericks will do on November 4th. And it is very possible that Maverick Voters will be the deciding factor in determining our next President.

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1 Those calves were then branded, forced to join the herd, where they were fattened up and slaughtered. 

2 See Also:  Flip-Floppers

 Stumble It! 

#3 – Obese People – On A Roll

31% of American Voters¹

Obese People are a bloated group of Swing Voters in the United States.  Obese People can not be counted on to consistently vote for the same Political Party in Presidential Elections, much the same way this Demo can not be counted on to consistently fit inside a voting booth.  

Therefore, Presidential Candidates have to pander to Obese People in every Election Cycle.

In 2008, Obese People want to see their Presidential Candidates support legislation to limit the production of Ethanol.  Ethanol 85 is a bio-fuel that is primarily made from corn.  Obese People have joined a coalition that includes Livestock Farmers, Oil Industry Tycoons and People Who Enjoy Eating Affordable Food to denounce Ethanol Initiatives. 

Obese People don’t object to the massive pollution that is involved in the production and consumption of Ethanol, nor do they mind the fact that Ethanol has not lowered the price of gas in this country. 

Obese People object to Ethanol because higher demand for corn has raised the price of all of the Corn-Syrup based foods that made this Demo into the Obese People they are today.

History

From William Howard Taft to William Jefferson Clinton, America has a great tradition of obese presidents. 

In fact, before President Taft became known for his “trust-busting,” he was primarily known for his pant-seam busting.

The Coalition

Obese People is a coalition made of up several slightly smaller Voting blocks:

Formerly Obese People 

Stomach Staplers Who Aren’t Fooling Anyone                     

I’m Not Fat, I’m Just Big Boned

 

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¹Unfortunately, this percentage is accurate

Stumble It!